SATIRE

A Heavenly Housing Crunch

Gawd the Almighty Mufwic does not want his disciples ascending to the Pearly Gates too easily

Anthony (Tony/Pcunix) Lawrence
3 min readOct 6, 2023

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A cross on a distant hill
Photo by Johannes Plenio on Unsplash

A recent Most Supreme Judicial and Most Potent Court of All Realms ruling in the class action suit brought against Gawd last millennium has not pleased any of the parties to the suit.

The charges, well known to most Heavenly Brethren, were Deceptive Conduct.

To wit:

In his infinite wisdom, The Grand Mufwic designed humans to be easy prey to sin. By the Gentlemen’s Agreement of Universal Concordance Date 4309875.78, the Old Thunderer was forced to admit this Design Defect, and had to modify his Original Intentions.

In the Gentlemen’s Agreement, Gawd stipulated that he had in fact deliberately set up what is now called a Catch-22. By designing humans to be highly sexual, and yet at the same time treating matters of sexuality as sin, the Product (that’s how the GA refers to humans) finds itself between a Rock and a Hard Place.

It was therefor agreed and ordered that although the Product would not be directly informed of the Rule Change, the Rules would in fact be modified. The net result is that it now takes a hell of a lot more sinning to be denied access to the Promised Land.

As those who are familiar with the Territorial Disputes of 23908.71 are well aware, Promised Land real estate is at a premium these days. There is, as always, construction under way, but as all good Believers know, it took seven days just to make one backwater world for the humans. Extending ethereal space is even more demanding, and the Busy Old Creator cannot devote all his time to only that.

Although not mentioned in the GA (nor, indeed in any of the rest of the Canon), there is a tacit understanding that Gawd never expected the Product to be able to meet his standards. Evidence to that is found in the Original Specs for Heaven, showing a set aside of less than 100 acres for future expansion. For comparison, note the Original Specs for Hell. The contrast is plain, as is the implication: the Product was expected to fail and less real estate would need to be created.

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Anthony (Tony/Pcunix) Lawrence

Retired Unix Consultant. I write tech and humor mostly but sometimes other things. see my Lists if your interests are specific.