Love

For All of Her Forever

I just want what happiness I can give her.

Photo by author

This morning is like every morning has been for the past twenty years or more. I’m up early to do chores and prepare for the day ahead. My wife is still asleep as she almost always is. She doesn’t sleep well because of pain, but when I tiptoed past our bed a few minutes ago she was snoring softly. I wanted to kiss her cheek but did not want to risk disturbing her. Let her sleep, let her have peace.

I know that someday she may not wake up from sleep. This inescapable fact nags at me more often every passing year. I might go before her — a sudden stroke, an accident — but given our relative health, she is more likely to die before I do.

I stood looking at the kitchen counter where I had put out what she will expect to find this morning and every morning. I don’t know how many years I have been doing this, I thought. Many years. Too many years. And then I thought “How many more?” and the tears came.

What I arrange for her has changed now and then, but the basics are the same. First is the pill box with every capsule and tablet for today. These pills help her, but they also bring problems, undesired side effects. Tramadol for arthritis pain carries constipation and mental fog with each pill. Iron for shaky leg syndrome adds to…