A Man recounts the decalogue to Her Pinkness, the Invisible Pink Unicorn I originally wrote this many years ago, so many that I have forgotten where. I wrote other tales about the Invisible Pink Unicorn then, but seem not to have copies of them.Sigh…

The latest beverage craze unpacked — At my favorite coffee stand here in Barcelona the other day I noticed this item, “Agua seca.” “What the heck is agua seca,” I asked, because you know what, sometimes I’m too damn lazy and tired to speak Spanish and there are so many ex pat Brits in this town…

They appeared unexpectedly. They weren’t tall. They loved children. And then all hell on earth broke out. — Chapter 1 — They Weren’t Triffids Year One March Weird News From Around the World Reports from South America are appearing on social media about walking plants. While there is, as yet, no photographic evidence of them, a botanist from the University of Sao Paulo has added his voice to the crowd. …

Does familiarity breed contempt? — I believe Geoffrey was onto something. “Familiarity breeds contempt.”— Geoffrey Chaucer There is truth in them thar words. I waited to report the red indicator light on my fridge that blinked “Water Filter.” I’ve never been nervous about impurities. Who knows why? …

Some day her prince will make her come — “Oh for the love of Mickey would you shut the fuck up!” Snow White shouted from her bed and pulled her sleep mask back down over her eyes. Whose idea was it do be so bright at 10 in the morning? “And shut the damn curtains.” One of her bluebirds…

Cheaters never prosper. Not in my ophthalmologist’s office. — I am not a cheater. Not exactly. As a student, I earned every one of my dismal Math marks. I pay every penny of my taxes. I am wholly monogamous (or mostly, if you can allow for a few George Clooney fantasies). And yet . . . …

My fate would be decided quickly — My wife and I recently visited a technical high school with our son, and in the Construction and Building Trades area, we ran into masculinity trouble. The moment we stepped into the vast and noisy workshop, we were met by the workshop’s ruler: a big man sporting a big plaid…

A scientific paper titled “Get Me Off Your Fucking Mailing List” was peer reviewed and accepted for publication by a “scientific” journal. There is a reason the word “scientific” is in quotes. What is the story here? Back in 2005 the authors, David Mazières and Eddie Kohler, wrote this “paper”…

Don’t mess with Tony — Kids can be cruel. Socialization tames most of us eventually, but at my elementary school playground of the early nineteen fifties, only the presence of teachers prevented us from devolving into savagery, and the teachers couldn’t watch everyone at once. I am and was a wise ass. To be more…

I don’t need some stuck-up little prick with a fancy degree telling me how to live my life — Here we go again. A couple of people get sick — or so we’re told — and surprise, surprise, the libs want to take away our natural rights as proud native-born Americans of European extraction. The crazy propaganda has already started. We got the lefties over at CNN trying to…

It sounds like an alien species, but it lives in your galaxy — You can’t deny it. They are weird. Titification The females of the strangest animal in all the universe (and some males) spend hours titifying their bodies, daubing their faces with colour, attaching shiny baubles to their protuberances, and removing excess keratin. Prior to displaying themselves to their kind, they spray themselves…

The GIFs don’t lie — Part II — Women are certainly not like cats, as I have already established in last week’s article, men are like cats. Duh. Women, therefore, can’t be like cats because women are most definitely not like men. Both are totally scientific studies, so this should be simple. Do I have to say more? …

The GIFs don’t lie — Many people think women are more like cats and men are more like dogs. That is ridiculous and I have the GIFs to prove it. Why Men are Like Cats They think they’re invincible Cats try stupid stunts thinking they are invincible. Men and boys are constantly getting into trouble. Fail videos are exactly 93.74% men trying to impress…

Egad! Gadzooks! All of these rapscallions and their blithering brabbles! — Fellow logophiles, while you may be familiar with some of the words on this list, how many do you actually use in everyday conversation? I can’t say that I use any of them fairly often, but if we begin now, maybe they’ll start #trending. …

A few watts here and there can’t matter — Yes, I have a Kill-A-Watt meter and a Belkin whichamajiggy that does the same thing. I don’t recall exactly why I ended up with both of these except to say these things are known to happen at Amazon, and they refuse to accept responsibility, so here we are. It’s not…

[DOG DOCTOR] “Hey, there! So how’s Bev been doing?” [MY DOG] “Good, good. Her hair is shiny. We W-A-L-K a lot.” “Great! Let’s get her up on the scale.” [ME] *refuses to move* “Sorry, she’s a little stubborn. Come on, let’s get up there! …

Why aren’t you subscribing to this? — I’m assuming you have an iPhone or iPad. If not, I won’t be thinking awful things about you. I still question your values, but if you don’t grok Apple, I’ll leave you to your own self-imposed misery. But the rest of you? Yeah, I have a lot of problems…

And the rest of those ridiculous day names — Listen up, because I’m only going to say this as many times as it takes to get it through your thoroughly muddled, overly distracted head. We need to get rid of these ridiculous stone-age inspired day names. I mean, seriously, Wed-nes-day? No, that didn’t come from that movie with Christina…

There has been a lot of competition this past week for the weekly highlight of the stupidest/craziest stunt. Notable candidates included … Ted Cruz babbling madeup nonsense about Micky and Pluto sex scenes Sen Madison Cawthorn being pictured wearing women’s lingerie in a public setting (the issue is not him…

A shocking superhero adventure…. I. I had just returned home from school when the phone rang. I knew it had to be the Mayor, because nobody else contacts me with that ring. We have a deal, the Mayor and I. I save the city from destruction when it needs to…