TECHNOLOGY

When Bad Things Happen to Innocent Computers

Murdering our machines

Cartoon by author

I had a thirty-year career as a Unix troubleshooter. I’d tackle anything, software, hardware, printers, it was all fair game. I’ve blown up a few motherboards, had to put up with a dead rat in a customer’s ceiling, and have knocked myself out by running into a door jamb while frantically trying to get to a smoking computer.

But that’s just me. What about the poor computers?

Plastering a printer

I once found a jammed laser printer. The customer was very annoyed, as I had just sold and installed that laser printer a few days earlier. I must have screwed it up! I could not imagine how; the printer was working fine when I left. But the customer is always right, so I drove thirty miles to check it out.

The printer was definitely jammed when I arrived, but it was nothing I did: the real cause was that after I left, they had plasterers come in to finish up the computer room. The humidity from the wet plaster had to be near 100% — it was ready to rain in there any minute.

Laser jets don’t like slightly soggy paper, and I’m sure they like it even less with a nice coating of plaster dust to top everything off. The customer didn’t believe me until I showed her…